Soon, I would like to write about the effects music can have on our mind.
Does a certain song ever take you back to a certain moment in time?
Does a song ever make you think of a specific person?
Does your mood change based on the melody or words being spoken?
I have experienced these many times. I find it fascinating that our brains have the ability to code these within.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
Phew. I gotta vent!
I find it coincidental how I recently explained in this blog that my life is filled with never ending struggles that bombard any possible positives. I have many many things to be appreciative of and I realize that. For some reason I have days where I tell myself that and I try my hardest to feel the appreciation but my brain does not let me. It is uncontrollable and this is what I want to fix. It has not stopped. At all. My grandma, Mammy, told me I may be having a rough time now but it could all lead to happiness in the future. Without this pain, I would not appreciate what the future holds. I sure hope she is right or... is hope just something that holds us down?
Maybe everything has happened for a reason? But why?
Everyone has issues, their quirks and problems in life. So, if you are reading this please do not think I am trying to judge my life based on someone else. Someone else could have much worse things happening. I am simply explaining how I feel in my own life because we all feel differently...... I dream of the day I can start to fix my own and I want too badly. I guess I do not know how. I want someone to take my hand and guide me through it all. So on that note, maybe reading about my negativity, issues, etc.. will make someone else feel better about their own life, or feel some sort of relation. Some of it is embarrassing but much more common in our generation than others. So here it goes...
1. Depression: Last year was a never ending struggle with chronic depression. I have dealt with it on and off for years. It leaves me with lack of motivation, anxiety, fatigue, lost in interests & hobbies, social anxiety, skipping class, hopelessness, bad thoughts, and overall sadness. It got so bad at one point I was dragged to the counseling office by a friend. I met the best counselor I have ever come by ... I missed so many classes I was going to fail them so he literally walked me to all of my professors to drop them and take the semester off. The sad thing is my depression was so bad I could not get out of bed to see him again. I have a guilt because of how much he cared and I could not care back. Unfortunately I found out he left Akron..... Oh do I have yet to overcome these handcuffs of depression.
2. Hospital admission: I finally made the decision to admit myself to the hospital the next semester. I previously tried getting help elsewhere but nothing worked. The hospital was the only step I had not taken. They admitted me right away. I was in the Crisis Unit for one day (never ever want to be there again) and the Stress Management unit for about 3 more days. There I was treated by nurses, psychologists and psychiatrists. Living with a mental illness sucks but this was the best decision I had made for myself.
3. Therapy: After I was out of the hospital I was still partially admitted. I attended group therapy everyday for a good month (aka until my insurance would not cover it). Here I learned how to cope with my illness, met AMAZING people I could relate too and I will never ever forget, and I also had a life altering realization.
REALIZATION!!! The best part of attending therapy was looking forward to going to my art therapy sessions. The moment my first group session started I knew exactly... exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to become an art therapist! I struggled for years trying to figure out what it was I wanted to pursue as a career. This helped make my decision clear. I will apply to Ursuline College which is the only school in Ohio that offers an art therapy program.
5. Lack of support: After I graduated from therapy coming back to reality was not easy. I did not feel comfortable confronting my family with these overwhelming issues of mine, and my friends disappeared. I had no support system. I was my own and that does not always work out well when the main problem is within myself and my own thoughts.
GRADUATED!!! December 2012. I actually graduated from college with a degree that consists of a mixture of art and psychology. Perfect preparation to become an art therapist! Thankfully I learned enough coping skills and found a better medication to help me succeed! Time to apply to graduate school!
FISHYS!!! My boyfriend bought me a fish tank and stand for graduating both aspects in my life. I went and bought 3 awesome goldfish. I love watching them. I would literally sit in front of the tank for hours watching them swim around. It was therapeutic and a way to meditate. This was one of the first indications that I had a passion for animals.
6. Broken heart: As I previously stated, my friends disappeared when I needed them the most. I do not blame them though. My mental illness is not easy to handle and unfortunately I only had one person there to help me through it. The problem was.. they did not want handle it either but felt they had to because we were in a relationship. Eventually, my flaw was unaccepted and I was left with a broken heart. I was alone and was not ready to be my own best friend. Will anyone be able to accept this flaw of mine?
7. Moved out: The bad thing was I lived with him. I tried my hardest to stick around but it was unhealthy for me. The only person I confined in was always around but he could not be that person anymore and I could not handle it. It was like a tease... Hey I use to really care but now I could careless-- That is how I saw it. I was bitter, angry and did not want to treat him poorly.
SAVED!!! My friend wanted me to move in with her to relieve the daily stress of living with an ex. I had my doubts at first. So did others...they thought it may be even more unhealthy than what I was already dealing with, but I did not agree. What would go wrong living with your best friend? The thought became more and more appealing and I finally gave in. I moved out and into a new beginning with my best.
RAE BABY! I brought Rae, my baby beardie. I named her Rae because I considered her my new ray of sunshine. At the time I was not sure if she was a male or female so I changed Ray to Rae. I do have a passion for animals. They give me a sense of comfort and love which helps my illness. <3 Growing up as a child my parents did not allow pets (we had one outdoor dog and my dad called him my brother because I loved him so much) so now I want all of them!-- This is why I take endless pictures of all the pets I am surrounded by. It makes me happy and that is hard to do.
8. Work sucked: Hours had been cut. People who did not have seniority over me kept getting promoted. I would have loved to have had some sort of recognition. I had clearly been trying to move up somehow to make more money. I tried to teach a class- denied. I tried to become a baker- denied. I talked to our management about everything- got me no where. I tried to get a meeting with a district manager- have yet to see her. I try to be a good, hard worker but I am obviously doing something wrong. It made me hate the company and management... that's sad. It was time to search for something new.
9. Puppy problems: My roomie wanted to get a new puppy and along the process we found a set of sisters. I did not have much money and was not prepared but they wanted me to get the other sister. I was skeptical until they begged, and pushed and finally talked me into it. From there on it was over... I could not wait to have my first dog! The feeling of excitement it gave me was amazing. I had been waiting for years for that moment to come. I even have a piggy bank specifically dedicated to my first puppy. Of course the night before hand I rolled up all the coins, bought all the accessories the pup would need and was ready to take her into my arms the next day. The only problem was, the next day, my roomies told me they never cleared it with the landlord. He denied the puppies. Later on my roomie begged and pleaded with the landlord and they were able to get theirs but I was not able to get mine. Such a sad day. It wasn't my roomies fault though.
10. Depression: It was coming back to haunt me. I was realizing Akron had nothing to offer me anymore. I am 24 years old with a bachelors degree making less than $8.00 an hour at a Panera Bread as an associate. I had yet to finish my graduate application. I have all the recommendations done, etc... but I still had one essay I had been putting off. I don't want to be rejected! So it was time I got my ass up and looked for a change in life. Motivation was kicked in gear.
NEW IDEA!! Yes, Akron had nothing to offer me so why not start completely fresh? I want to attend Ursuline college and I think the Coventry Village area in Cleveland looks awesome. So I decided to start job and apartment hunting. I applied to various jobs in the surrounding area and found some sweet apartments I wanted to tour.
11. No new job: I applied for a bunch of jobs in the Cleveland area. Within an hour, I had already received a response wanting to set up an interview. It was in the perfect. Close to my apartment searches and close to the graduate school I am interested in. The job paid very well and would give me experience working with children. I was so excited things were looking up for me! But of course, after playing phone tag for 2 days, she never responded to my last message.
STARBUCKS!! I always wanted to work at a starbucks to learn how to make their drinks and because I have always passionate about barista at panera. So I decided to stop in one and see if they were hiring. I talked to the associates and they sent their store manager over to talk. Here, she had worked for Panera for 4 years. Automatically, we bonded. She was willing to be flexible and told me to apply whenever I was ready to move into the area. I left starbucks with a guaranteed job, according to the manager, as long as I applied and went through the required hiring process! This was a start!!!
NEW CAR!!! My parents handed down their CRV to me! I love it! They took very good care of it and it looks brand new. No worries of my old Alero breaking down. Now I have a reliable source of transportation that'll last for years. Bye bye alero in which we invested way too much money for you to run well.
NEW APARTMENT!!! I had been searching craigs list for weeks. I had also been touring places in Cleveland. I had my eye set on one apartment. It was a one bedroom apartment in Coventry Village, exactly where I wanted to be. It actually could have been a two bedroom and they would allow a roommate. It was vintage and had beautiful hardwood flooring, a big kitchen, sunroom, faux fireplace, pretty much my dream apartment. The issue was it was over my budget. So I went and toured it anyway... somehow I bargained with the property manager and she gave me a discounted price! I wanted it. I turned in application right away. The next day they called saying everything was good on my application and credit wise. Yes! I cannot believe I just scored my dream apartment. It is time for a completely new beginning. So I went and turned in my security deposit right away, filled out information, signed, got all the information need and was set to move in May 1!! OHHH and PET FRIENDLY!!! yay!
BYEBYE PANERA! The next day I turned in my two weeks. What a great feeling knowing I would be moving on.
12. No apartment: Two days after I signed for the apartment they called me saying they did not properly review my application and my income was too low. I could not have the apartment unless I had a co-signer. Unfortunately I could not find a co-signer. I did not get the apartment. No Cleveland for me.
13. Roomie argument: Frustrated and down in the dumps I wanted to have a friend over. My roommate would not allow it. I was upset and went out instead. My roomie apologized for hurting my feelings and I tried explaining how I felt except it was taken completely wrong. I must have used the wrong wording. I tried explaining my frustration with everything being taken away from me and I guess she thought I was blaming her and I was not. Then I realized how much pent up frustration I had so I called her selfish, which was definitely the wrong word to use. By "selfish" I meant our relationship had been a oneway road. I was always included in her life, but when I offered to included her in mine she never wanted to be. I was completely thankful she did so much for me. No doubt. I love being included in her life and having the opportunity to move in. Again, I tried to explain myself though that did not work. I ended up leaving for the weekend and felt really bad about how the conversation was portrayed so I sent her a message apologizing for using the wrong word, selfish, and thanked her for everything she had done for me and explained that I meant a one way road. Apparently apologizing did not work...
EASTER WITH THE FAMILY! It was a great day. My mom and I made beautiful cupcakes and we took a family portrait that we will cherish forever. I also had a great memory with my Papa. Before we eat our family rounds the buffet hand in hand. One of the younger ones says grace. I was standing next to Papa and for some reason instead of holding hands, we held each other and since I am not a religious person, my mind is elsewhere during the prayer.... I was having a moment of appreciation towards Papa. I was thinking how much I appreciated him and how great of a grandfather he is.
14. Kicked out: On Easter, my old roomie/ex came over to my parents house to fix something on my old car I was selling. As we were working on it I received a text message by my current roomie/bestie explaining it would be best if I moved out and that I was unwelcome to come back and I could only get my belongings when they were there. Talk about unexpected. Apparently, who I considered my bestfriend/sister, surely did not have the same definition of what best friends were. And my poor ex had to deal with me being upset, confused and overwhelmed, but I am thankful he was there with me to help and understand the bind I ran into because he allowed me to move back in my old apartment. So, the next day my mother came up and helped me grab a portion of my belongings.
15. Broken heart: I am not sure what is worse.. breaking up with a boyfriend, or breaking up with your best friend. I was absolutely appalled that my best friend kicked me out with no warning what so ever and would not let me get my belongings unless they were there. There was absolutely no way in hell I did anything to deserve that! Would I ever be able to forgive her?... Or was I unaware and oblivious to something I had done? Aren't friends/roomates suppose to tell each other when something is upsetting the other? I guess everyone was right... It ended up being even more unhealthy for me because I had to come back to where I started and I lost a friend. "True to heart friends, you can say anything to & they will not judge you. They will speak their mind if you have done something wrong but will not leave you because of it." </3
16. First death: Two days after I was kicked out my phone was turned on vibrate that night. I woke up to my newly once again roomie/ex saying my mom was trying to get ahold me of. I answered his phone and my mom was frantic telling me to come straight home to my grandmothers, who lives next door to my parents house. I automatically started balling... Something was wrong. Something terrible. My great grandparents are both in their late 90's and we have been expecting it to come one day but I knew it wasn't them. The way my moms voice was shaking franticly. It was something devastating. Who was it? Was it one of my cousins, aunts, uncles? Was it my own father? When I got home my dad ran out to me crying (I had a sense of relief knowing it was not him) and told me my grandfather had unexpected died in his sleep due to a heart attack. First of all, I have never seen my dad cry. Secondly, this was my dads best friend. He lived with them and next door to them his whole life. Thirdly, Papa was completely healthy. He did everything! The night before hand he called my dad telling him he bought his fishing license along with a new tackle box for my dad. He did yard work, traveled, helped coach my cousins softball team, cooked, played games, etc... It was devastating. He did not want to die and should not have. He had a appointment with a heart doctor the next day. But that's life.
18. Closed door: I decided there is no possible way I can forgive my friend for what she had done. At least not anytime soon. I am not perfect, by no means! I have kicked plenty of people out of my life but nothing like this. I could have handled being kick out of her house if I was a burden and caused stress and unhappiness to her. What I cannot handle is the way she handled the situation by unexpectedly kicking me out through text messaging, not allowing me to get my belongings unless it fit her schedule, etc... It would take one hell of a mistake for someone to make for me to kick someone out like that. And there is absolutely no way I deserved to be treated like that by someone I considered my sister. So I wrote to her explaining this and told her we could no longer be friends because of how much she hurt me. I closed the door to our friendship. I have all my belongings back now and that is that. I also still have yet to hear a reply giving me a detailed explanation as to how I treated them so badly since I am oblivious and obviously would never want to treat someone badly in the future.
17. Back to step one: Now I am back to step one in my life. I am back to my old apartment. Back to the stress it causes me. I am back to having no friendship support. I am back to working a job that I am over qualified for, that has cut more hours and that can barely pay my rent. I have everything ready to turn into Ursuline expect one essay. Why haven't I done this yet? I am too scared of rejection. Yes, I wont know until I try... but I am scared and I need a hand to guide me through it. The problem is I have no one. I am back to feeling hopeless. I am back to feeling like I will never find happiness.
---Here's to hope that I can find some sort of happiness before I fall into another hole---
Maybe everything has happened for a reason? But why?
Everyone has issues, their quirks and problems in life. So, if you are reading this please do not think I am trying to judge my life based on someone else. Someone else could have much worse things happening. I am simply explaining how I feel in my own life because we all feel differently...... I dream of the day I can start to fix my own and I want too badly. I guess I do not know how. I want someone to take my hand and guide me through it all. So on that note, maybe reading about my negativity, issues, etc.. will make someone else feel better about their own life, or feel some sort of relation. Some of it is embarrassing but much more common in our generation than others. So here it goes...
1. Depression: Last year was a never ending struggle with chronic depression. I have dealt with it on and off for years. It leaves me with lack of motivation, anxiety, fatigue, lost in interests & hobbies, social anxiety, skipping class, hopelessness, bad thoughts, and overall sadness. It got so bad at one point I was dragged to the counseling office by a friend. I met the best counselor I have ever come by ... I missed so many classes I was going to fail them so he literally walked me to all of my professors to drop them and take the semester off. The sad thing is my depression was so bad I could not get out of bed to see him again. I have a guilt because of how much he cared and I could not care back. Unfortunately I found out he left Akron..... Oh do I have yet to overcome these handcuffs of depression.
2. Hospital admission: I finally made the decision to admit myself to the hospital the next semester. I previously tried getting help elsewhere but nothing worked. The hospital was the only step I had not taken. They admitted me right away. I was in the Crisis Unit for one day (never ever want to be there again) and the Stress Management unit for about 3 more days. There I was treated by nurses, psychologists and psychiatrists. Living with a mental illness sucks but this was the best decision I had made for myself.
3. Therapy: After I was out of the hospital I was still partially admitted. I attended group therapy everyday for a good month (aka until my insurance would not cover it). Here I learned how to cope with my illness, met AMAZING people I could relate too and I will never ever forget, and I also had a life altering realization.
REALIZATION!!! The best part of attending therapy was looking forward to going to my art therapy sessions. The moment my first group session started I knew exactly... exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to become an art therapist! I struggled for years trying to figure out what it was I wanted to pursue as a career. This helped make my decision clear. I will apply to Ursuline College which is the only school in Ohio that offers an art therapy program.
5. Lack of support: After I graduated from therapy coming back to reality was not easy. I did not feel comfortable confronting my family with these overwhelming issues of mine, and my friends disappeared. I had no support system. I was my own and that does not always work out well when the main problem is within myself and my own thoughts.
GRADUATED!!! December 2012. I actually graduated from college with a degree that consists of a mixture of art and psychology. Perfect preparation to become an art therapist! Thankfully I learned enough coping skills and found a better medication to help me succeed! Time to apply to graduate school!
FISHYS!!! My boyfriend bought me a fish tank and stand for graduating both aspects in my life. I went and bought 3 awesome goldfish. I love watching them. I would literally sit in front of the tank for hours watching them swim around. It was therapeutic and a way to meditate. This was one of the first indications that I had a passion for animals.
6. Broken heart: As I previously stated, my friends disappeared when I needed them the most. I do not blame them though. My mental illness is not easy to handle and unfortunately I only had one person there to help me through it. The problem was.. they did not want handle it either but felt they had to because we were in a relationship. Eventually, my flaw was unaccepted and I was left with a broken heart. I was alone and was not ready to be my own best friend. Will anyone be able to accept this flaw of mine?
7. Moved out: The bad thing was I lived with him. I tried my hardest to stick around but it was unhealthy for me. The only person I confined in was always around but he could not be that person anymore and I could not handle it. It was like a tease... Hey I use to really care but now I could careless-- That is how I saw it. I was bitter, angry and did not want to treat him poorly.
SAVED!!! My friend wanted me to move in with her to relieve the daily stress of living with an ex. I had my doubts at first. So did others...they thought it may be even more unhealthy than what I was already dealing with, but I did not agree. What would go wrong living with your best friend? The thought became more and more appealing and I finally gave in. I moved out and into a new beginning with my best.
RAE BABY! I brought Rae, my baby beardie. I named her Rae because I considered her my new ray of sunshine. At the time I was not sure if she was a male or female so I changed Ray to Rae. I do have a passion for animals. They give me a sense of comfort and love which helps my illness. <3 Growing up as a child my parents did not allow pets (we had one outdoor dog and my dad called him my brother because I loved him so much) so now I want all of them!-- This is why I take endless pictures of all the pets I am surrounded by. It makes me happy and that is hard to do.
8. Work sucked: Hours had been cut. People who did not have seniority over me kept getting promoted. I would have loved to have had some sort of recognition. I had clearly been trying to move up somehow to make more money. I tried to teach a class- denied. I tried to become a baker- denied. I talked to our management about everything- got me no where. I tried to get a meeting with a district manager- have yet to see her. I try to be a good, hard worker but I am obviously doing something wrong. It made me hate the company and management... that's sad. It was time to search for something new.
9. Puppy problems: My roomie wanted to get a new puppy and along the process we found a set of sisters. I did not have much money and was not prepared but they wanted me to get the other sister. I was skeptical until they begged, and pushed and finally talked me into it. From there on it was over... I could not wait to have my first dog! The feeling of excitement it gave me was amazing. I had been waiting for years for that moment to come. I even have a piggy bank specifically dedicated to my first puppy. Of course the night before hand I rolled up all the coins, bought all the accessories the pup would need and was ready to take her into my arms the next day. The only problem was, the next day, my roomies told me they never cleared it with the landlord. He denied the puppies. Later on my roomie begged and pleaded with the landlord and they were able to get theirs but I was not able to get mine. Such a sad day. It wasn't my roomies fault though.
10. Depression: It was coming back to haunt me. I was realizing Akron had nothing to offer me anymore. I am 24 years old with a bachelors degree making less than $8.00 an hour at a Panera Bread as an associate. I had yet to finish my graduate application. I have all the recommendations done, etc... but I still had one essay I had been putting off. I don't want to be rejected! So it was time I got my ass up and looked for a change in life. Motivation was kicked in gear.
NEW IDEA!! Yes, Akron had nothing to offer me so why not start completely fresh? I want to attend Ursuline college and I think the Coventry Village area in Cleveland looks awesome. So I decided to start job and apartment hunting. I applied to various jobs in the surrounding area and found some sweet apartments I wanted to tour.
11. No new job: I applied for a bunch of jobs in the Cleveland area. Within an hour, I had already received a response wanting to set up an interview. It was in the perfect. Close to my apartment searches and close to the graduate school I am interested in. The job paid very well and would give me experience working with children. I was so excited things were looking up for me! But of course, after playing phone tag for 2 days, she never responded to my last message.
STARBUCKS!! I always wanted to work at a starbucks to learn how to make their drinks and because I have always passionate about barista at panera. So I decided to stop in one and see if they were hiring. I talked to the associates and they sent their store manager over to talk. Here, she had worked for Panera for 4 years. Automatically, we bonded. She was willing to be flexible and told me to apply whenever I was ready to move into the area. I left starbucks with a guaranteed job, according to the manager, as long as I applied and went through the required hiring process! This was a start!!!
NEW CAR!!! My parents handed down their CRV to me! I love it! They took very good care of it and it looks brand new. No worries of my old Alero breaking down. Now I have a reliable source of transportation that'll last for years. Bye bye alero in which we invested way too much money for you to run well.
NEW APARTMENT!!! I had been searching craigs list for weeks. I had also been touring places in Cleveland. I had my eye set on one apartment. It was a one bedroom apartment in Coventry Village, exactly where I wanted to be. It actually could have been a two bedroom and they would allow a roommate. It was vintage and had beautiful hardwood flooring, a big kitchen, sunroom, faux fireplace, pretty much my dream apartment. The issue was it was over my budget. So I went and toured it anyway... somehow I bargained with the property manager and she gave me a discounted price! I wanted it. I turned in application right away. The next day they called saying everything was good on my application and credit wise. Yes! I cannot believe I just scored my dream apartment. It is time for a completely new beginning. So I went and turned in my security deposit right away, filled out information, signed, got all the information need and was set to move in May 1!! OHHH and PET FRIENDLY!!! yay!
BYEBYE PANERA! The next day I turned in my two weeks. What a great feeling knowing I would be moving on.
12. No apartment: Two days after I signed for the apartment they called me saying they did not properly review my application and my income was too low. I could not have the apartment unless I had a co-signer. Unfortunately I could not find a co-signer. I did not get the apartment. No Cleveland for me.
13. Roomie argument: Frustrated and down in the dumps I wanted to have a friend over. My roommate would not allow it. I was upset and went out instead. My roomie apologized for hurting my feelings and I tried explaining how I felt except it was taken completely wrong. I must have used the wrong wording. I tried explaining my frustration with everything being taken away from me and I guess she thought I was blaming her and I was not. Then I realized how much pent up frustration I had so I called her selfish, which was definitely the wrong word to use. By "selfish" I meant our relationship had been a oneway road. I was always included in her life, but when I offered to included her in mine she never wanted to be. I was completely thankful she did so much for me. No doubt. I love being included in her life and having the opportunity to move in. Again, I tried to explain myself though that did not work. I ended up leaving for the weekend and felt really bad about how the conversation was portrayed so I sent her a message apologizing for using the wrong word, selfish, and thanked her for everything she had done for me and explained that I meant a one way road. Apparently apologizing did not work...
EASTER WITH THE FAMILY! It was a great day. My mom and I made beautiful cupcakes and we took a family portrait that we will cherish forever. I also had a great memory with my Papa. Before we eat our family rounds the buffet hand in hand. One of the younger ones says grace. I was standing next to Papa and for some reason instead of holding hands, we held each other and since I am not a religious person, my mind is elsewhere during the prayer.... I was having a moment of appreciation towards Papa. I was thinking how much I appreciated him and how great of a grandfather he is.
14. Kicked out: On Easter, my old roomie/ex came over to my parents house to fix something on my old car I was selling. As we were working on it I received a text message by my current roomie/bestie explaining it would be best if I moved out and that I was unwelcome to come back and I could only get my belongings when they were there. Talk about unexpected. Apparently, who I considered my bestfriend/sister, surely did not have the same definition of what best friends were. And my poor ex had to deal with me being upset, confused and overwhelmed, but I am thankful he was there with me to help and understand the bind I ran into because he allowed me to move back in my old apartment. So, the next day my mother came up and helped me grab a portion of my belongings.
15. Broken heart: I am not sure what is worse.. breaking up with a boyfriend, or breaking up with your best friend. I was absolutely appalled that my best friend kicked me out with no warning what so ever and would not let me get my belongings unless they were there. There was absolutely no way in hell I did anything to deserve that! Would I ever be able to forgive her?... Or was I unaware and oblivious to something I had done? Aren't friends/roomates suppose to tell each other when something is upsetting the other? I guess everyone was right... It ended up being even more unhealthy for me because I had to come back to where I started and I lost a friend. "True to heart friends, you can say anything to & they will not judge you. They will speak their mind if you have done something wrong but will not leave you because of it." </3
16. First death: Two days after I was kicked out my phone was turned on vibrate that night. I woke up to my newly once again roomie/ex saying my mom was trying to get ahold me of. I answered his phone and my mom was frantic telling me to come straight home to my grandmothers, who lives next door to my parents house. I automatically started balling... Something was wrong. Something terrible. My great grandparents are both in their late 90's and we have been expecting it to come one day but I knew it wasn't them. The way my moms voice was shaking franticly. It was something devastating. Who was it? Was it one of my cousins, aunts, uncles? Was it my own father? When I got home my dad ran out to me crying (I had a sense of relief knowing it was not him) and told me my grandfather had unexpected died in his sleep due to a heart attack. First of all, I have never seen my dad cry. Secondly, this was my dads best friend. He lived with them and next door to them his whole life. Thirdly, Papa was completely healthy. He did everything! The night before hand he called my dad telling him he bought his fishing license along with a new tackle box for my dad. He did yard work, traveled, helped coach my cousins softball team, cooked, played games, etc... It was devastating. He did not want to die and should not have. He had a appointment with a heart doctor the next day. But that's life.
18. Closed door: I decided there is no possible way I can forgive my friend for what she had done. At least not anytime soon. I am not perfect, by no means! I have kicked plenty of people out of my life but nothing like this. I could have handled being kick out of her house if I was a burden and caused stress and unhappiness to her. What I cannot handle is the way she handled the situation by unexpectedly kicking me out through text messaging, not allowing me to get my belongings unless it fit her schedule, etc... It would take one hell of a mistake for someone to make for me to kick someone out like that. And there is absolutely no way I deserved to be treated like that by someone I considered my sister. So I wrote to her explaining this and told her we could no longer be friends because of how much she hurt me. I closed the door to our friendship. I have all my belongings back now and that is that. I also still have yet to hear a reply giving me a detailed explanation as to how I treated them so badly since I am oblivious and obviously would never want to treat someone badly in the future.
17. Back to step one: Now I am back to step one in my life. I am back to my old apartment. Back to the stress it causes me. I am back to having no friendship support. I am back to working a job that I am over qualified for, that has cut more hours and that can barely pay my rent. I have everything ready to turn into Ursuline expect one essay. Why haven't I done this yet? I am too scared of rejection. Yes, I wont know until I try... but I am scared and I need a hand to guide me through it. The problem is I have no one. I am back to feeling hopeless. I am back to feeling like I will never find happiness.
---Here's to hope that I can find some sort of happiness before I fall into another hole---
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
But I have no hope. I have become depleted.
Somedays I hate life. I do not understand why things do not work out for me. I am the type of person where nothing ever comes easily... And I have so many people in my life that never have to worry about that. They can say... "My name is so and so and things always work out in my favor." You may think I am exaggerating but if you really analyzed the past 5 years of my life it has been multiple struggles. Many of them minor but occurring frequently. For once, I would love something positive and easy to happen.
These past 6 months have been rough. Very rough. I have become exhausted dealing with these daily occurrences. When I start to think that things are about to take a turn around for the best, the opposite occurs leaving me stranded all alone. No wonder why people to turn to a God figure... so they don't feel so alone. It gives them someone to talk too, and gives them a sense of hope. For me, I rely on medication.
These past 6 months have been rough. Very rough. I have become exhausted dealing with these daily occurrences. When I start to think that things are about to take a turn around for the best, the opposite occurs leaving me stranded all alone. No wonder why people to turn to a God figure... so they don't feel so alone. It gives them someone to talk too, and gives them a sense of hope. For me, I rely on medication.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Blunder
blun·der
[bluhn-der] Show IPA
noun
1.
a gross, stupid, or careless mistake
I am completely outraged by how someone can change in the matter of a month. I set expectations for people in my life and they are very realistic. I have learned when they do not meet up to these expectations, causing stress and disappointment, then that means they are not worth the trouble. I should move on and stop wasting my time.
But, it is in fact sad when this happens. I witnessed someone, who I believe has the capability to be an absolutely remarkable person, make a very stupid mistake, or "blunder", causing much embarrassment and shame on their part. I am utterly appalled. Unfortunately, they have become so conceded they failed to feel any remorse for this mistake. It has also greatly affected someone else's life and yet no apology was given. It is very sad to see someone fail at becoming a remarkable person.
Luckily, for me I was able to find some positivity out of this blunder. I was told a few months ago when talking to a therapist about this person that I was the one becoming enlightened. At the time my self esteem was at an all time low but now I realize she was right. I was on my way to becoming enlightened... and I was the remarkable one for working towards becoming a better person.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Desire
"So here's my advice. Be sure that the qualities you seek are ones that will stand the test of time. Looks fade, money evaporates, and you don't really want to party as much as you think you do. Look for someone who shares your values and communicates well and who will have your back.
Lastly, I don't think you can expect to find one person to meet all your needs. You must learn to take care of yourself in some ways. Burdening your partner with having to fulfill your every desire will burn him or her out.
If you want a relationship, finding it will be much easier if you keep your expectations in line and focus on finding someone who shares your desire for peace and harmony. When someone touches your heart and also has goodness inside them—now that could be relationship material."
-Psychology Today
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Mind full or Mindful?
"Mindfulness isn't a goal, because goals are about the future, but you do have to set the intention of paying attention to what's happening at the present moment. As you read the words printed on this page, as your eyes distinguish the black squiggles on white paper, as you feel gravity anchoring you to the planet, wake up. Become aware of being alive. And breathe. As you draw your next breath, focus on the rise of your abdomen on the in-breath, the stream of heat through your nostrils on the out-breath. If you're aware of that feeling right now, as you're reading this, you're living in the moment. Nothing happens next. It's not a destination. This is it. You're already there."
-Psychology Today
I strongly believe I must acquire mindfulness before I am truly happy.
-Psychology Today
I strongly believe I must acquire mindfulness before I am truly happy.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Introductory Thoughts and Why.
The best way for me to describe my thought process, as of lately, is that my mind gets tangled in a knot. Not a simple shoe string knot, that occasionally unties itself, but an old necklace that has been rediscovered buried deep inside a jewelry box. It is the type of necklace where each of the chains are tangled within each other. It takes a lot of patience and willingness to come up with the end result but once it's untangled there is a sense of freedom. And if I am lucky enough to untangle the necklace and reach the sense of freedom, I am able to wear it.
I feel it would be a good idea if I wrote these thoughts down. Maybe spelling them out will help me find new ways to untangle my thoughts that way I can wear them.
So here goes nothi.... I mean something.
I feel it would be a good idea if I wrote these thoughts down. Maybe spelling them out will help me find new ways to untangle my thoughts that way I can wear them.
So here goes nothi.... I mean something.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)