Demons Live Inside Me

I constantly encourage my friends and clients to let go of their worries and focus on the present moment. Breathe, take in the positive and exhale love to themselves and the world around them.

However with me, there are days where demons live inside my chest. They are immortal. They love to bounce back and forth, shaking my heart, squeezing it in their bare hands, stabbing my insides in attempt to make me bleed. I try to apply the practices I encourage upon my friends when these fuckers arise from hell but they overcome any sense of relief. Without provoking, it is chronic and exaggerated tension that physically hurts. It is so uncomfortable. I shake. My muscles twitch. I become nausea. Lightheaded. I cannot eat. I cannot fully breathe.

Recently, the demons arise as soon as I awake... before I have had the chance to process any thoughts. This is what makes it uncontrollable. I use coping skills. Mainly attempts to engage in activities that will distract me from these feelings. Although lately, they instantaneously come back to burn me once I disengage.

It is a painful whirlwind of stress. The roots that keep me grounded, sane and stable are brutally ripped from the dirt. Control is lost. The demons start to over take me. All I can do at this point is shut myself off by falling sleep or taking an anti-anxiety pill. Both temporarily put the demons down to slumber. Yet both exclude me from the world because I end up sleeping with either option. 

I surely hope I will soon defeat this stage of hell. I am becoming exhausted fighting this battle. It has been a week so far of excessive tension. I do not want to fall off of the edge. I am looking down into the hole that I fell into these past few months. I managed to climb back up thinking I was heading for steadier ground, but I have found myself yet again with my toes dangling over.

Yet, regardless of how I really feel, emotionally and physically, I breathe it all in and love it all out.

Releasing the Uneasy

If you are looking for perfect you'll be looking forever. Take what's good and what's good for you at the time. So, what am I looking for then?... People to accept my flaws. Help me through my crazy, irrational bullshit and stupid expectations. And when it comes to someone that I am "talking" too... this is especially important. 

Of course, I am a firm believer of living in the moment but there comes a certain point in time where one must look outward. I will not waste my time living moments where the flaws that I have made create what is seen as drama and are unaccepted. I do not deserve to be unaccepted for as accepting as I am. It's a two way road. Every type of relationship that exists deals with this. Relationships with friends, family, co-workers, etc... All end up compromising at some point. Mistakes are made. Flaws happen. Drama and bullshit is unavoidable. I do not want to go back and forth.

Regardless of the outcome, I will take from this experience that I was able to incorporate positivity and different ways of thinking into your life. I will also continue to do so. You truly have all capability to be an amazing person just like I see you as. Please do not ever forget that.

I thank you for keeping me sane. 

Insane in the Membrane

There is an emotion that exists inside of me. It doesn't allow me to feel happiness or release any sadness. I can still function in my daily activities but my mood is decreased. One positive is at least it's not pain or complete sadness. That could potentially feel worse. It's just this feeling inside is punching and kicking. If it explodes I could go insane.