No Rain

When a song describes you...

First Step to Clarity

Today marks the day of my sobriety from alcohol and my medications (I am not an alcoholic by the way. I just tend to try and solve my problems that way). I am a little nervous but then again excited. I have made this decision because I am taking some time off work, so why not do it now while everyone knows I am struggling with trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with me, rather then having to go through a crazy process all over again. 

The reason I am going off my medication is actually for a medical sleep study. I will be off of them for at least 6 weeks. It takes one week to lower the dosage a step down. Another week to lower it one more time. Then the third week I will be anti-depressant free. For the study I must then have two weeks week off of the medications. I will then have the study done. After, I will then decide, based on how I feel, if I want to go back on them. 

As most of you already know alcohol is a depressant. When I drink any type of this substance it diminishes the effects of the medications. If I over drink it changes my perspectives, mood, etc. When I am in an off mood I become a totally different person. I become very bitter, mean and angry which is extremely, extremely uncommon for me. I am never that person sober. So, since it is very unhealthy to begin with, let alone while attempting to go off of the medication, I have decided sobriety is the best option for me. 

Demons Live Inside Me

I constantly encourage my friends and clients to let go of their worries and focus on the present moment. Breathe, take in the positive and exhale love to themselves and the world around them.

However with me, there are days where demons live inside my chest. They are immortal. They love to bounce back and forth, shaking my heart, squeezing it in their bare hands, stabbing my insides in attempt to make me bleed. I try to apply the practices I encourage upon my friends when these fuckers arise from hell but they overcome any sense of relief. Without provoking, it is chronic and exaggerated tension that physically hurts. It is so uncomfortable. I shake. My muscles twitch. I become nausea. Lightheaded. I cannot eat. I cannot fully breathe.

Recently, the demons arise as soon as I awake... before I have had the chance to process any thoughts. This is what makes it uncontrollable. I use coping skills. Mainly attempts to engage in activities that will distract me from these feelings. Although lately, they instantaneously come back to burn me once I disengage.

It is a painful whirlwind of stress. The roots that keep me grounded, sane and stable are brutally ripped from the dirt. Control is lost. The demons start to over take me. All I can do at this point is shut myself off by falling sleep or taking an anti-anxiety pill. Both temporarily put the demons down to slumber. Yet both exclude me from the world because I end up sleeping with either option. 

I surely hope I will soon defeat this stage of hell. I am becoming exhausted fighting this battle. It has been a week so far of excessive tension. I do not want to fall off of the edge. I am looking down into the hole that I fell into these past few months. I managed to climb back up thinking I was heading for steadier ground, but I have found myself yet again with my toes dangling over.

Yet, regardless of how I really feel, emotionally and physically, I breathe it all in and love it all out.

Releasing the Uneasy

If you are looking for perfect you'll be looking forever. Take what's good and what's good for you at the time. So, what am I looking for then?... People to accept my flaws. Help me through my crazy, irrational bullshit and stupid expectations. And when it comes to someone that I am "talking" too... this is especially important. 

Of course, I am a firm believer of living in the moment but there comes a certain point in time where one must look outward. I will not waste my time living moments where the flaws that I have made create what is seen as drama and are unaccepted. I do not deserve to be unaccepted for as accepting as I am. It's a two way road. Every type of relationship that exists deals with this. Relationships with friends, family, co-workers, etc... All end up compromising at some point. Mistakes are made. Flaws happen. Drama and bullshit is unavoidable. I do not want to go back and forth.

Regardless of the outcome, I will take from this experience that I was able to incorporate positivity and different ways of thinking into your life. I will also continue to do so. You truly have all capability to be an amazing person just like I see you as. Please do not ever forget that.

I thank you for keeping me sane. 

Insane in the Membrane

There is an emotion that exists inside of me. It doesn't allow me to feel happiness or release any sadness. I can still function in my daily activities but my mood is decreased. One positive is at least it's not pain or complete sadness. That could potentially feel worse. It's just this feeling inside is punching and kicking. If it explodes I could go insane.

Key Lime Makes Me Feel Fine

Key West thoughts...

-The place to leave your worries behind. 
-Confidence.


If I left tomorrow, what would I leave behind?

-School
-Money
-Family
-Friends


If I left tomorrow, how would I feel?

-Fresh start
-Worries are behind me
-New motivation
-Warm

Prime Target

My life is full of things to be appreciative of yet all the negativity, that I am uncontrollably surrounded in, restricts me from being able to feel any appreciation. I feel like my life is a never ending circle fulfilled with heart aches and life lessons. 


I am handcuffed to this negativity and the key is yet to be found. I have tried so hard to figure out a way to release myself. Then there are those moments where I believe I think I have found the way out but I end up getting slapped in the face.


These handcuffs also make me a prime target for depression and anxiety to make their appearances. I have no way to win the fight against them since I am locked up. I have become a victim of their symptoms. I have become someone trying to survive the fight yet I become tired of trying so hard. Occasionally, I give up and let them take the best of me. 


I am constantly looking towards the future dreaming of the time I find the key and the fight becomes easy.