Demons Live Inside Me

I constantly encourage my friends and clients to let go of their worries and focus on the present moment. Breathe, take in the positive and exhale love to themselves and the world around them.

However with me, there are days where demons live inside my chest. They are immortal. They love to bounce back and forth, shaking my heart, squeezing it in their bare hands, stabbing my insides in attempt to make me bleed. I try to apply the practices I encourage upon my friends when these fuckers arise from hell but they overcome any sense of relief. Without provoking, it is chronic and exaggerated tension that physically hurts. It is so uncomfortable. I shake. My muscles twitch. I become nausea. Lightheaded. I cannot eat. I cannot fully breathe.

Recently, the demons arise as soon as I awake... before I have had the chance to process any thoughts. This is what makes it uncontrollable. I use coping skills. Mainly attempts to engage in activities that will distract me from these feelings. Although lately, they instantaneously come back to burn me once I disengage.

It is a painful whirlwind of stress. The roots that keep me grounded, sane and stable are brutally ripped from the dirt. Control is lost. The demons start to over take me. All I can do at this point is shut myself off by falling sleep or taking an anti-anxiety pill. Both temporarily put the demons down to slumber. Yet both exclude me from the world because I end up sleeping with either option. 

I surely hope I will soon defeat this stage of hell. I am becoming exhausted fighting this battle. It has been a week so far of excessive tension. I do not want to fall off of the edge. I am looking down into the hole that I fell into these past few months. I managed to climb back up thinking I was heading for steadier ground, but I have found myself yet again with my toes dangling over.

Yet, regardless of how I really feel, emotionally and physically, I breathe it all in and love it all out.